Life In Travel

Is this really a problem?

The past year has thrown me into the speaking circuit and I am incredibly grateful. I’ve gotten the chance to get in front of other people in my field and teach them things about my experiences in the smart phone connectivity and infotainment space. This of course comes with more travel. I want to keep this short because I’m sure everyone has experienced these things, instead, it’s more of a quick rant. But of course you need a strong sense of sarcasm and light heartedness when reading. Enjoy, or don’t; it’s really up to you.

The Fade
The euphoria of business travel quickly fades when you realize that traveling for business is basically like running through a desert with a glass of water just out of reach. You get to travel to some cool places but most of the time you are so busy it’s impossible to enjoy your surroundings.

The Urinal Pool
What the **** is with the puddle of piss under every urinal in every bathroom everywhere? Is there some sort of pee monster going around guzzling water and letting loose in public bathrooms? I always feel that I need to stand a few feet back and just hope I make it…wait…oh. (The vicious cycle continues).

The Blob

Enough said.

The Sheep Pen
One of the biggest things I hate is the baggage claim crowding. I try to stand a few feet back but some family with a thousand kids will think it’s cool to get in front of me because of course I wasn’t there for anything. I just happen to love watching people’s terrible positions riding a carousel. I think we should put a sort of electric fence around the baggage claim. You get about 10 seconds to go in and grab your bag or your body will be blessed with 10,000 volts of travel justice.

Sherlock Holmes and the Mysterious Light Switch
Why is it that every hotel room plays hide and hope you can seek with light switches. Very few rooms I’ve been in have a light switch right as you walk in that actually lights up the room. Most of the time it becomes a game of grope and hope on the lamps. And even then you don’t know where to feel up, you basically stumble around like a teenager in the back of a station wagon. I want to be able to flip a switch and the miracle of holy light fill the room. At this point I’d almost just rather use my phone’s light and pretend  the sun has burned out and I’m in a post-apocalyptic world where everyone else has died; at least that would help explain the smell .

Vegas Black Hole
If you travel to Las Vegas (and chances are you will), good luck to you. If you gamble, you will lose money. Don’t even try to tell me you and your nerd friend came up with can’t lose strategy in his mom’s basement watching Battlestar Galactica reruns. You.Will.Lose. Oh and prepare your body for the roller coaster of health. If you drink (you travel on business…you drink) then you will find your self punishing your liver like it pooped on a rug. Between pouring down the sweet nectar of mind erasing goodness you will be shoving your food hole with food that will nearly kill you with each bite. After the feast of a thousand pounds you will find yourself walking approximately 200 miles between each of your destinations. Your legs will begin to feel like digested baby food and your feet will seem to have developed a billion new pain sensors that are directly wired to your brain. And to top it all off, everything you touch is basically like getting down and dirty with every other person that is in, or has ever been in Vegas. Not even a thousand gallons of bleach can wash away all the regret and broken dreams you’ve absorbed.

Safe and miserable travels to you all.